Holding Your Values in a Difficult Donor Conversation

Every day we learn something new from the organizations we support through Values-Based Major Giving. This year has been no exception.

Recently, one of our clients brought us a donor situation that was difficult, nuanced, and deeply human. With their permission, we’ve anonymized the story because we think many fundraisers will recognize pieces of it in their own work.

Grab your favorite beverage. We’d love to tell you about it.

When an organization changes on purpose

This organization—let’s call them Alpha—has spent years intentionally shifting who is centered in its leadership and community. Black, Brown, and Trans leaders now shape the organization’s vision, and community members are invited into relationship around those leaders’ collective vision rather than allowing the (mostly white and cisgender) donors to dictate the programming they’d like to see.

Recently, after receiving two declines for a site visit and picking up hints that a longtime major donor—let’s call her Anne—was dissatisfied, the fundraiser invited Anne to coffee.

They were thrilled Anne said yes.

But the conversation wasn’t what they expected.

Anne shared that she was shifting her attention to other organizations because, as a white, cisgender, elder woman, she no longer felt “needed” by Alpha.

As evidence, she pointed to several things. The fundraiser hadn’t followed up enough after the declined site visits. The Alpha team hadn’t met Anne’s (previously unshared) expectations around gift recognition. And finally, Anne felt Alpha had become overly focused on centering Black, Brown, and Trans leadership—and had left her out.

You may have guessed…

This was an incredibly hard conversation.

😩😩😩

The instinct to explain

It would have been easy to respond by explaining.

Or persuading.

Or trying to reassure Anne that nothing had really changed.

But none of those responses would have been true.

Things had changed at Alpha.

The organization had intentionally chosen to center people who have historically been forced to stand at the margins. And sometimes that means people who have always been centered experience, perhaps for the first time, what it feels like not to be.

That’s uncomfortable.

It also isn’t something another person can solve for them.

Our client recognized that in the moment. Instead of reacting, they gave themselves space to process what Anne had shared and simply let her know they would be back in touch.

Choosing curiosity instead of defensiveness

Rather than helping our client craft a defensive response—or even a conciliatory one—we worked together to create an invitation rooted in curiosity.

An invitation to explore where their values still aligned.

An invitation to understand where they might see the world differently.

An invitation that was honest about Alpha’s commitments without taking responsibility for resolving Anne’s discomfort.

In organizing circles, we’ve learned the value of not doing someone else’s work for them.

This felt like one of those moments.

The leaders of Alpha—who are themselves Black, Brown, and Trans—have spent years doing the work of building a community rooted in shared values. They aren’t interested in spending their limited energy convincing someone those values are worthy.

They are, however, deeply interested in staying in relationship with people who are willing to wrestle honestly with what those values ask of all of us.

The conversations no one prepares fundraisers for

These are the conversations that don’t show up in fundraising books.

Or blogs. (ok, well it shows up here at SVA ha-ha)

Or very many webinars.

They’re about:

• Identity

• Belonging

• Power

• Loss

• Change

They’re almost never solved with the perfect rebuttal or by proving just how wrong someone is.

Instead, they’re navigated over time with trusted thought partners who help you stay grounded in your values while remaining open to relationship.

Here’s an example of the kind of follow-up we draft together with clients as part of our Values-Based Major Giving Partnership. 

I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had recently. It was a hard conversation, and I’ve been sitting with it because I care about Alpha and about you.

I’m wondering if you’d be willing to go a little deeper on some of the themes you raised. (Name), our (CEO/Board Chair/Senior Leader), and I have been talking, and we’re both curious about your perspective on our shared values—where you think we’re aligned, and where you see things differently.

Would you be open to another conversation with the two of us about that?

I really appreciate that you’re someone we feel we can ask this of, even after a difficult conversation. We’re looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

The donor responded with more accusation about how Alpha needed to consider their values about who they include. Our next messages was something like this:

I’m grateful that Alpha has been intentional about naming our values over the last X years, including centering Black, Brown and Trans leaders and engaging our extended community in support around them. I would enjoy the chance to share our organization’s values with you and hear about how they may (or may not) align with your history of valuing allyship for racialized and Trans people leading in our organization today. Your willingness to ally yourself with us throughout our growth and changes as a team, including the last few years of new leadership, has meant so much to us. I’m hearing something different now, and I’d like to understand your thoughts better when you’re ready.

The outcome

It was incredibly hard not to set this donor straight.

To teach.

To correct.

But we’ve found that almost never works.

The good news is that Anne did respond and agreed to another conversation down the road.

The relationship is definitely on ice—but it isn’t gone and Alpha stayed curious and didn’t shy away from this challenging conversation.

And Alpha stood up for its values and for its community. Even if Anne doesn’t give to Alpha again she has some new information to wrestle with and maybe learn from. And the next org in the ecosystem might benefit from that little bit of change work that Alpha accomplished with this donor.

Even if Anne ultimately chooses not to give, Alpha is on track to raise more from individual donors this year than they did last year, because they do this kind of work with all of the donors in their portfolio, and for most of them, it leads to increased giving and new introductions that build the base of support.

YES!

Staying in relationship with a challenging donor without abandoning your values is one of the hardest—and most important—skills a fundraiser can learn.

However, it’s important to note that some donors and some things donors say aren’t worth spending ANY time on. Harm to you or others is never worth it.  Walk away.

But if you have the ability to stick with discomfort, you and the donor might end up in a different place that you imagined, with benefits all around.

We hope this story reminds you that you’re not alone out there and that your work every day in every conversation is important.

Values-Based Major Giving Support

Stories like this are exactly why we do this work.

We’ve been watching the numbers, and organizations that fully implement Values-Based Major Giving often increase total giving from their major donor portfolios by more than 25% in the first year. As relationships deepen and systems mature, we’ve seen major giving programs continue to compound that growth over time—sometimes growing to many times their original size over several years.

And remember, “major gift” is yours to define.

For one organization, it might mean donors giving $100 a year. For another, it may begin at $1,000, $10,000, or more.

What matters isn’t the amount.

It’s the commitment to building authentic one-to-one relationships with the people who care most about your mission.

We also believe in being transparent about what we offer, what it costs, and the results our clients typically see.

Values-Based Major Giving Coaching

$2,000/month | 12-month engagement

For organizations that want structured guidance while building and implementing a major giving program.

Every week, we help you think through both the adaptive and operational work of major gifts fundraising. Together we’ll explore donor psychology, relationship dynamics, values alignment, messaging, and strategy. Then we’ll translate those insights into practical action steps for your portfolio, outreach, meetings, asks, and follow-up.

We’ll help you:

• Build and qualify a donor portfolio.

• Prepare for donor conversations and asks.

• Refine your messaging and gap message.

• Develop cultivation strategies.

• Navigate challenging donor situations.

• Create clear weekly priorities and accountability.

Email and text support between meetings means you’re never left wondering how to respond when something important lands in your lap.

Values-Based Major Giving Partner

$7,000/month | 12-month engagement

For organizations that want us working as an extension of their fundraising team.

Partner includes everything in Coaching, plus implementation support that keeps the work moving between meetings. We help build systems, draft donor communications, manage projects, support board and staff leaders, integrate major gifts with your broader fundraising efforts, and create the operational infrastructure that allows your program to grow.

What makes our approach different is that we bring together two kinds of expertise that are often separated.

We help you understand people—their motivations, concerns, decision-making, values, and relationships.

And we help you build programs—the systems, workflows, messaging, accountability, and action plans that turn those insights into measurable fundraising growth.

Our clients tell us this combination is what changes everything.

One client recently described our work as being “like a Swiffer for my brain.”

We’ll happily take that.

Instead of chasing donors or wondering what to do next, our clients spend more time with the people who are genuinely engaged, ready to partner, and excited to invest.

If your organization currently raises $400,000 annually from individual donors, adding 25% to that total more than pays for our Values-Based Major Giving Partnership in year one alone. Those relationships often have lifetime value many times greater than the cost of the partnership. Values-based major donors are typically more reliable than grants, government funding, events, or direct mail alone—and they often introduce new donors to your organization as well.

Let’s talk.

If you’re wondering whether Values-Based Major Giving is right for your organization, we’d love to learn about your work.

We’ll take the time to understand your organization, your goals, and your budget, share how our programs work, and give you the information you need to decide whether adding Values-Based Major Giving support is the right use of your time and resources.

You don’t have to do it all alone.

More ease and joy in fundraising is possible with support.

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